Fouzia is not the only such Pakistani woman. I have come across many Fouzias, educated, talented, professional, independent, successful, charming and popular women who have preferred to stay single and keep marriage on the back burner. There is Salma who has a great job working in a multinational corporation, traveling the world, being sought at seminars, workshops, parties and yet leading her single life on her terms. She is tall, attractive with an infectious laugh and a wonderful personality. She firmly states that she will not be pressured into marriage for the sake of just being married and will wait for ‘Mr. Right’ as long as it takes, even forever!
Then there are other professional women with the difference that they got married, lived a few happy years and found their educated, brilliant, successful husbands stuck in the bad old ways where women took a back seat and men called all the shots. The men were not ready to compromise. The men’s careers, choices, and whims took precedent over their wives. It did not matter how successful the women were in their work. The marriage faltered and the women soon realized that they are better off without their spouses.
These women are mostly from the middle or upper middle class. They lead a very busy social and professional life. They are highly successful, very popular and have several male friends as well. Some have enjoyed romantic relationships only to be disappointed with the self-centered, egoistic beings of their companions. Others may be too engrossed in their high-pressure and demanding careers to give marriage a serious thought until they have become too used to their way of life. These women have from the outset ruled out the concept of ‘arranged marriages.’
While in the western countries the choice of staying single for whatever reasons has become an accepted one, it is still frowned upon in our country. One has to admire these Pakistani women’s courage to live and face the world as single women on their terms.
When I asked Sheema Kermani, feminist, political activist, noted classical dancer, head of Tehrik-e-Niswan, an NGO devoted to the uplift of women through performing arts, she thoughtfully reflected: “The institution of marriage is itself very difficult and unnatural, specially for women who go through the process of ‘arranged marriage’ and are forced to live with someone for the rest of their lives. The predetermined roles husband and wife are assigned by the society are no longer valid as Pakistani women have advanced emotionally and psychologically far more than the men. The latter may create an aura of being strong, successful, outgoing, working professionally, but in reality they are backward emotionally, psychologically and are very insecure. The men may appear as modern and advanced but are quite conservative. Their attitude towards marriage is warped. They are caught in between. On one hand they want their wives to be modern, university educated and glamorous; on the other they don’t want their wives to be free and independent. Rather, they prefer the wives to be totally dependent on them. Even those men married to professionally successful women are not prepared to share household work or parenting responsibilities. Insecurity leads the men to be jealous and possessive of the wives.” Sheema emphasizes that Women want a free, happy marriage rather than a bonded type!
Fahmida Riaz, famous poet, writer, dramatist, feminist, traced the problem to the historical inequities and injustices to women. “ Most societies have given an inferior position to women,” she pointed out. “Men are conditioned by social values. So are women. Many women accept the inferior position and are comfortable with it. But now more and more women are challenging and trying to emerge out of this situation of inferiority. However, men are finding it much more difficult to cope with the independent-minded women. Humaray mosaheray mein mardon kau sikhaya jaata hai kai agar woh aurtaun kau dominate nahi karaingay tau woh such moch mard hi nahi hain!” (In our society the men are taught that that if they do not dominate the women then they are not real men!)”. Fahmida feels that today’s women are more conscious and aware of their rights. They are demanding equality and respect. They are also earning their own living. Thus today they are not so hard pressed for marriage. The women can enjoy a social status without a marriage. They can also remain single for a much longer time.
Ms. Sarwat Sultana, a successful career woman, Public Relations Officer, Karachi Electric Supply Corporation (KESC), is of the view that, “ the educational level of women has risen dramatically and more women have acquired a higher level of education than ever before. These educated women do not usually find suitable educated men. So they end up marrying less- educated men. Then men start feeling threatened by such women and try to put the women down as inferior being.” Sarwat Sultana also talked about the taboo against women not getting married and opting to stay single. Some of those who get married and are treated as ‘housewives’ (as if these women are married to the houses!), good only for raising children and looking after the home. The women eventually get fed up and move away from their husbands. “Women are seeking security, equality, respect and friendship from their husbands. They want to pursue their interests, careers and have a life of their own as well,” concludes Ms. Sultana.
To find out more about the underlying emotional and psychological reasons behind this complex issue, I talked to one of the country’s best-known psychiatrist, human rights activist, Dr. Haroon Ahmed. He traced the current state to the marriage institution itself as it is commonly accepted. “In our society marriage is arranged by the elders in the family. There are not many places where boys and girls can freely meet and explore the possibility of a relationship leading to marriage. There is some interaction between the young people at mehndi and marriage ceremonies. That is not enough. They have nothing to do in the evenings.” In Dr. Haroon’s assessment, today more girls are university educated than boys. For the past many years, the girls have been consistently outperforming boys in all levels of examinations, from matriculation and intermediate to graduation and post-graduation. (This seems to be a universal trend. In the recent ‘A’ level examination results in the United Kingdom, the dominance of girls over the boys has gone to an all time high—over 9%.) Education-wise, competency-wise the women have outdone men. Today’s women cannot remain mere commodities to be married to any one without their own choosing or choice. They will also not accept a life of misery and suffering if their husbands turn out to be not to their liking, or worse, mistreat them. The days of ‘ghar say doli jai aur janaza aai’ (Once married there is no other life for women until death) are fast becoming ugly relics of the past. Education and careers have given women a new confidence. They now have higher expectations. They are exposed to new ideas today as never before. The conditions of marriage as put forth by men are no longer acceptable to them. Some marriages have broken down on the basis of the pursuit of individual careers.
Dr. Unaiza Niaz on men, women, relationships and their psyche
In a detailed analysis of this issue, Dr. Unaiza Niaz, well known psychologist and psychotherapist, head of the Stress Research Centre, who specializes in the treatment of stress, anger and deep psychological problems resulting from failed relationships, finds that: “ Today we all are in the phase of developing ourselves to be better and successful human beings. The basis of harmony in life is success and fulfillment. The disharmony comes from inner insecurity and self-doubt. Truly happy people tend to be modest, soft spoken and resilient by nature. One doesn’t necessarily have to be intelligent to be a happy human being. Emotional intelligence is more essential in that it depicts the depth in a person.
Personality strengths do not mean being worldly-wise and successful. True strengths in a personality are reflected in maintaining a balance in life, embodying certain disciplines, understanding human weaknesses and having empathy for fellow human beings. Some of us have been able to do better than others. We should aspire to be what we want to be in life. And let others be what they want to be in life. No two people are alike. No two more so than men and women.” “Remember ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, (Title of Dr. John Gray’s best selling book considered a practical guide for improving communications and getting what you want in your relationships.). She declares, “We have our own little spaces. When this is threatened chaos and disorder takes over.”
Dr. Unaiza then talked about the basic differences that she feels why women are different than men, “Women are primarily creative beings. Doll making, ceramic and porcelain painting, sense of colours, pottery, embroidery, are only few of their creations. Women have an eye for the artistic and the aesthetic and all the finer things in our lives.”
Dr. Unaiza is hopeful and optimistic that with major developments in science and technology; revolutionary changes all around the world, acceptance and even incorporating the concept of human right and women’s rights, universally under the various U.N. Conventions and nationally in many countries laws, men are also adapting to the feminine attributes of sensitivity, care and finer aesthetic sensibility.
She traces the historical and traditional roles of the two genders. “Men were supposed to take care of bread and butter and provide protection and home to the women. With civilization, maturity, globalization, women are taking over more and more of men’s roles and responsibilities and men are doing the opposite and learning the women’s roles and responsibilities. In a family unit the man is considered the head and thus the boss. If you are sensitive and educated the roles are interchangeable and replaceable. And should be so. One need not be rigid and stiff.”
Dr. Unaiza in her analysis thinks that when more and more women became successful professionals and careerists, they felt equal (to men), and started emulating men; becoming loud, crude, aggressive—‘the hockey stick’ personality. Then they became feminists, officially feminine, looking attractive but not attracting attention. They were now not afraid to express themselves freely and forcefully. It’s been a difficult and an uphill battle for women. Highly qualified women have not found acceptance at work because women have very ‘special’ personalities. These women have all their male colleagues’ attributes plus they also have charm, sensitivity and adaptability. Thus their male colleagues find it very tough to compete with them. The key is that these women are not trying to compete with men. They are being what they are, women. All these women really want is the same respect, support and understanding, which they extend to the men at work. Some women may even be tempted to exploit their situations but such occasions are very rare.
Dr. Unaiza affirms that there are some inherent qualities in men and women respectively. Men are more physical. Women are more emotional and sensitive. Men are better aware of their sexuality and sexual pleasures. Few women have this awareness. Sexual factor is very important as women resent it and feel that they are being exploited. On the other hand men are neither verbal nor expressive about their feelings. When sensible and mature couples have problems, they should give space, respect and equality to each other. Dr. Unaiza strongly feels that marriage is a roller coaster ride. Couples should be adaptable, understanding, trusting and above all remain friends. Professional women end up burning the candle at both ends.
“In situations of conflict is where I come in,” Dr. Unaiza says. “I encourage men to play the mother’s role as well; appreciate the woman’s juggling and balancing role in life. I tell women that if the men are reasonable guys, hold them, mould them and make them your best friends. Women have to play a very active and positive role. They are intelligent, proactive and can help in the civilization of men! Both jointly complete the picture as they are the colours in the picture and as such inseparable.”
- Nafees Ghaznavi
To find out the thoughts and views of the today’s generation I talked to some young men and women. A modern, independent Pakistani woman living and working in New York said that she had not given much thought to marriage as yet. She was too busy with her work and life in general. She rejected outright the idea of an arranged marriage—“Never!” She thought that, “Women who lack confidence and are confused about their values would face problems in life as well as in marriage. If you are smart enough, astute, intuitive and know yourself, there shouldn’t be a problem in finding a partner. Hopefully I will find one soon and yes, I would like to get married,” she confided and to my surprise asked me not to publish her name.
A young entrepreneur, who is in a hurry to be highly successful in business and also contribute as a human rights and social activist took time off his busy schedule to give his views on the subject. Omair Lodhi’s schooling was in England and higher education in USA, yet he is happy living in Karachi. Omair says that there is something wrong with today’s women. Their priorities are not in order. They are over-ambitious which is not a good thing. Being ambitious is good. Ambition is what you can realistically achieve. In life every endeavor should not be to prove a point, a kind of one upwomanship. Omair strongly feels that there is a woman for every man and a man for every woman. A woman should not let the opportunity (of getting her man) pass by is how Omair sees it. Women as housewives are taken for granted by men. They can understand women’s traditional roles. Similarly the concept of men working is universally accepted. But women working and taking good jobs is hard for men to digest. “Women have to realize and understand that most men work under a great deal of pressure,” was Omair’s advice. He felt that when women become successful in their careers they do not strike a balance. To them career becomes everything. Its good for women to be professional but women should also be able to fulfill their responsibilities towards their homes, their children. She has to decide about her priorities in life. Omair further ventured in deeper waters by suggesting that women are jealous of other women. There’s no end to a woman’s jealousy. Women also become frustrated and turn vindictive by asserting that they don’t need a man. These women in Omair’s opinion opt out of marriage.
Young Tahira Saleem an art-student who hopes to be a famous artist one day, summed up her views thus: “No matter what these women--beautiful, intelligent, educated, talented-- think about the men—conservative, old-fashioned, even dumb—they (the women) cannot live without them (the men). It is nature. That’s the way it is!”
One artist who has already made his mark in the world of art, Shahid Rissam was very keen to speak on the subject. Like a true artist, Shahid’s art is more than just painting. He is an avid reader, loves literature, studied art in London and Paris and is a visiting art teacher in the UAE. So it was not surprising that Shahid started off with a couplet from Zehra Nigah’s poem:
Aurat kay khuda dau hain haqeeqi aur majazi
Pur iss kay liyyay koi bhi achha nahin hota
(Woman has been blessed with two gods, one heavenly, one worldly
But none have brought her any bliss)
Shahid refused to generalize about men and women. He pointed out that every person--man or woman--is different from another, having a different psyche and a different background. Women have definitely come a long way. With education and opportunities they now have a greater potential and desire to succeed in life. Shahid believes that in the past many marriages were successful because of understanding and a high degree of tolerance. Shahid said that: “Happiness depends on what you give and not what you get,” quoting Mahatma Gandhi. This philosophy of giving has now ended. Being educated one should learn and be prepared to understand each other better. One’s expectation in life and marriage should not be idealistic.
As for his own marriage, Shahid asserted that he was against the tradition that men should marry women who are younger than men. Shahid wanted a woman who would share his ideas. “One who would point out my weaknesses and the mistakes I make,” Shahid declared. He gave the example of Will Durant’s work, “Pleasure of Philosophy,” This work was only possible because of Durant’s wife. The teacher at Cambridge University, London, England, married one of his students, quit his job and went on a world trip. His wife accompanied him and shared his passion throughout their life. Also the saga of “A Beautiful Mind,” Nobel laureate Dr. John Nash’s deep inner struggle while pursuing his marvelous work. The man was schizophrenic. His wife not only helped him get over his illness but also looked after him and their children all by herself. Shahid paid tributes to women by proclaiming, “A woman has that magic that can change the world, leave alone a man.”
A young man, Adnan Jaffar, back from a six-year study and a master’s degree from the USA, sounded more feminist than some women, in his initial observations. According to him men haven’t come to terms with the reality that women coming out, as professionals, are as good or even better than men in their respective fields. “It’s not that women don’t make good bosses. The truth is that men are not yet prepared to accept the women as such,” declared the young man. The men haven’t broken out of the old mindset of male dominance and chauvinism. “The men still see women as ‘sex objects.’ It doesn’t matter how tahzeebwala banda hai (how cultured a guy is), he still has it in his subconscious this sexist image of women.” Then Adnan shocked me by confessing, “I am also such a man!” He defended himself by saying that consciously, “I try to breakout of this mould. In the presence of women I am well behaved. I speak the politically correct language. I don’t try to stare at women and make them feel uncomfortable. But deep down I am not much different than most Pakistani men. This is how Pakistani male has grown up to be. May be it is the segregation of males and females in our society. My elders tell me that it was not so in the 50’s and the 60’s; even until the late 70’s.” He thinks most Pakistani men marry to have a legitimate relationship. Marriage is the only way out for Pakistani men (and women). He illustrated this point by saying that when a man talks about his sexual frustrations his friends usually advise him, ‘Ttau tum shadi kiyon nahi karlatey?’ (Why don’t you get married?). Where there is integration of men and women, the men start thinking and behaving differently. The inhibitions start breaking down. And when it comes to relationships they are easier to make and turn out to be more stable. Another sad aspect of our society according to our young philosopher is that friendships between boys and girls end when one of them gets married. The inhibitions and the sexist attitude surprisingly are more common among the upper classes, the so-called elitists. The respect shown to women is superficial. As to how he intends to find his life partner, Adnan Jaffar summed up thus: “First I will gauge her views, her ideas, her total personality. Then if we have something to talk about and share the same interests and there is something original about her, then I will become serious about her. Just knowing a girl will not be enough for me. In our social milieu most romances begin with mere social contact between a guy and a girl. This is a sign that we still are immature and not yet fully grown up to enjoy healthy and stable relationships.”
Mariam Ghaznavi, a very talented and bright young woman, a journalist living and working in Karachi, was very forthright and outspoken: “ I don’t think I will ever find someone compatible and totally understanding. There are many guys who are educated and intelligent but they still live in the old world. They think that they are the kings of the castles and the women in their lives should revolve around them. These men believe that girls should not have a personality of their own. The wives are supposed to be totally dependent on the husbands and whatever the men say should be done. The men don’t believe marriage is a partnership for them—it is a rulership! (“Rulership? Is there such a word? Am I making sense?” Mariam herself interrupted her speech. Since she seemed to be enjoying herself and on a roll, I encouraged her to just go on.) “These guys treat you with full respect and equality as long as you are their friends. But if you become a wife or even a girlfriend then all respect and equality is blown away with the wind.” At this I could not help asking Mariam how has she come to such negative conclusions? “Seeing people around me. Seeing my friends. Seeing myself. All experiences mashed together,” she answered. As to how she sees herself when she gets married, Mariam laughed and viewed her married life as a very difficult one. “I will probably be fighting with my husband all the time!”
Writing this article was a very educational and learning experience for me as well. Life itself is a great teacher. If I knew then what I know now I would not have gone through a lot of pain at a certain period in my life. What I have learnt from women, starting with my great guru—my mother—and many other intelligent and wonderful women, has enriched my life and made it truly worthy of living. The same holds true for women. They can also learn from men or at least try and understand their psyche. That would be a good beginning.
source:www.chowk.com
Great Effort Applause :-)
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